Flower Pics

Ateet - My Past

I took a deep breath and leaned back on my chair, and looked towards the roof. The letter was in my hand and I was lost in past. I don’t know for how long was I in that state until my wife broke my sequence of thought asking, “Do you need some tea?”

I really needed the tea. I replied in positive folding the letter. I kept it in my wallet so that it may not get into the hands of my wife. Suddenly a desire to read the letter again arose. I took it out and unfolded it in my hands and started reading it from the beginning.

Dear Ravi,

You will perhaps be surprised to receive this letter. When this letter will be in your hands, I probably would be sitting on the flowerbed of my despondency. I don’t know whether you still remember me or not, but I want you to remember all, from the beginning when we first met. I would have written this letter earlier, but I had full faith on you that you would return. Whenever my parents forced me to get married, I opposed strongly just in hope that you will return someday for my love. But my resistance gradually decreased as my hopes faded. And today I have chosen myself to sit on the flowerbed of my mashed hopes and desires. I don’t know what were those things that held you back, but I know that they must have been really strong. ………. “What is written in that letter that you are not content even after reading it several times from the morning?” My flow was broken by this question of my wife. She continued “Tea is getting cold.” I was so much engrossed in the letter that I didn’t even realize when my wife came and kept the tea. Suddenly a fear crossed my mind that she would have seen something from the letter. But her question defied my fear. I didn’t feel like replying her and folded back the letter for the fifth time perhaps, and picked up the cup to take a sip. The tea had really become cold. I asked my wife to get it warmed. She took it back without asking any more questions.

It was normal in our relationship. My wife considered myself a sort of angel if not God, in her life. She never considered herself equal to me in any way. In her view, I had done so much for her that no one other than her God would have done. She was never able to become my other half. All my efforts to bring her to my equal went in vain. It only increased my greatness in her eyes. Leave alone her rights; she never conveyed even her desires or wishes. I was never emotionally satisfied with my wife. What to say about physical satisfaction which is also incomplete without the espousal of the other half. In other words I can say that there was never a husband-wife relation between me and my wife.

She was there with the freshly made tea without a word. I drank the tea quickly and went upstairs on the terrace. There I again unfolded the letter and started reading it.

Dear Ravi,

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………you must be remembering the first time you came as a tenant in our neighbourhood. Many boys had resided in that room before you, and I had never seen any one of them or even noticed them. I never liked boys in general, but you were different and I don’t know why I felt a peculiar sort of pull towards you from the first day I saw you. I would have suppressed my feelings if you had not visited our house. After talking to you, no matter it lasted for just a few words but my interest in you grew more. My parents found enough good qualities in you to ask you to help me in my studies. As I came to know you more and more my penchant towards you grew more and more. I had decided many a times to convey my feelings to you but it is the most difficult task as it is truly said. I had also found you looking towards me whenever you got chance. I can’t express how it felt or how it filled me up with joy. I had already started fabricating dreams of your closeness when one morning all my dreams shattered as I came to know that you were gone. On that day I cried all day long inside my closed room and didn’t take any food. I had never even thought that we can even get estranged some day. The next day when I felt a bit stable I came to know from my parents that your mother was serious and you had to reach there at short notice. I was very angry on my foolishness. But that foolishness was the real voice of my heart and my longing for you was not a broken star. It remained forever.

I still believe that you loved me, but now it was not possible for me to wait for you. The lines of anxiety were visible on the face of my parents. I could not make them suffer more. May be my heart will wait for you forever.

I just wanted to let you know my condition because otherwise I would have never been able to live and even die in rest. I had taken your address from your landlord, and I have not given you my address just because I don’t wish you to see my destruction and what can you do now.

May you live your life better than me, as I am ruined now.

`           Dil to kahta hai wwoh apne hai, apne hi hai

            Jinki ki taraf se halka sa ishara bhi nahin

            Koi awaz to ayee hai kahin se lekin

            Usne ab tak to bhule se pukara bhi nahin

           

Your ******

I don’t know whether anybody would have ever felt as helpless as I was feeling at that time. I looked towards the sky. Not much time had passed since the sun had started spreading its blush in the sky. Suddenly the whole life looked useless. A desire to return back to my past flashed in my heart. For a moment I felt like defying the law of time and mend what I have left behind. It was true that I loved her and perhaps I still do, and depth of love is unknown until someone or some circumstances takes you away from your love. It was my first and perhaps the last love as such. I wanted to express my feelings to her but wanted to ensure her feelings towards me. Perhaps I fell in love with her the first time I saw her, but it took time to decipher that feeling.

I was getting late for my office. I again returned the letter to its initial position and came down. I was quickly ready for my office. There were no further questions from my wife. I went to the office but couldn’t concentrate on my work. I took leave from the office making an excuse of not feeling well. I didn’t feel like going home and went into a near by park. A couple was sitting on the bench next to me. They were talking very intimately and my attention was drawn towards them. I was just trying to figure out what were they talking about. It didn’t do any favour to me but instead worsened my uneasiness. A peculiar restlessness was engulfing myself and it was getting very tough for me to even actually sit anywhere for even a moment. Actually my heart was aching to tell that how much it fancied her. I just wanted to pour my heart out. At this moment I was feeling so lonely in this whole world. After it got very arduous to really sit there I got up from there and started for I don’t know where. The couple was still sitting there in same position. I again wondered what they were talking about. I was never able to even properly look towards her and leave aside talking to her in that fashion. I was just walking, I didn’t know to where. I don’t know for how long had I walked when my legs gave in and I went inside the first restaurant I saw. I also felt the need of a really hot cup of tea. As I was waiting for the tea to be served I felt like writing my heart out. It was the only way out. I asked the waiter for a piece of paper and started

Dear *******

           

            How to start I don’t know? I can’t say much and I also can’t put my heart out the way you have done. Now it is not worth mentioning that I still long for you and nobody can take the place you acquire in my heart. But at least I would like to mention the truth that held me back and forced me to break the heart of my love.

            I had decided to disclose my love for you when I received an urgent letter from my mother. I had no clue that this is the letter that will end our unexpressed and short lived love story. On reaching my village I came to know that my aunt who lived in my neighbour had passed away living behind her only daughter. To save her from the lewd eyes of the world my mother pleaded me to marry her. I could not deny my mother who had left no stone unturned in upbringing me after my fathers’ death. Now it is for you to decide.

            My wife thinks me to be her God. The favor that I married her in spite of her being of lower caste is the favor that a God only could have done. Now I don’t think that I can put it even in a much better way than this and now this is up to you to still think the way you think.

Hum hai unke, hai unke hi

Wwoh jo hamare pass nahin

Unhe kis tarah batayain ki

Hamain aur kisi ki aass nahin

                                                                                                            Your Ravi

This didn’t lessen my restlessness and I came out of the restaurant and again my journey to nowhere started. The whole day long I wondered around the town aimlessly with the letter in my hand. When the night started to descend I went to the river bank and offered the letter to the waves of the river may in hope that someday you may……………….

Flowers in my Garden

A Bud of Marigold with dew drops

A Closer Look

 

A full Blossomed Marigold

Different Angles